I was taught to ignore my body’s cues.
My eyes are hot as I make a run at focus on the ceiling above me.
My physical therapist has my leg straightened out and pulled up on her shoulder.
Her knuckles grind down the length of my leg, activating my shredded nerves.
The pain is deep and red.
Im only 23, but Im already bitter.
Sure, pain is bad, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get to work, no excuses.
When I was 21, I went to see my orthopedic surgeon for a post-operation check up.
An assistant cut open my cast every 10 days so the doctor could inspect my injurys progress.
GETTY Images/Design by Cristina Cianci
“We need to do this now.
If we don’t, you’ll probably end up needing another surgery, my doctor said.
We can sedate you, but its not really worth it.”
Sweat ran down my back.
What choice did I have?
My vision went blurry and then dark.
Obviously, this is an extreme example.
During one of the most traumatic experiences Ive had in the medical industry, anesthesiapain reliefwasnt worth using.
We are inundated with messages about pain.
These messages are overwhelming, illusory, and contradictory.
Everywhere you lookbillboards, commercials, spam emailsthere are paid messages about how to eradicate pain.
GETTY Images/Design by Cristina Cianci
Back at my physical therapists office, I am already sore.
My body feels permanently stretched thin.
I get into my car and blast the A/C.
My body feels like an arrow drawn backtense and thrumming, totally out of my control.
Why do my nerves hurt worse now than before?
I’ve had enough free pain to go asking around for more.
The pain industry led me into a toxic, love-hate relationship with my body.
Finally, I was done.
I was opting out of pain.
Now, when standing is too much, I sit.
When sitting hurts, I lay.
I work from bed and have special therapeutic pillows and dont apologize for my needs.
When Im too exhausted to be social, I cancel plans.
I no longer hide or give a shot to shrink my pain away.
I no longer add to my bodys burden, either, by trying to push through painful treatment.
Instead of seeking the eradication of pain, I live in a new middle ground.
Theres more peace there.
Later today, Im going to see my masseuse.
She has a small, cozy studio in her backyard.
“Gentle,” Ill tell her.
“This shouldnt hurt me.”
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/09/120911091100.htm
