One writer on how embracing her feminine side helped her finally let go of labels.
I found myself dreading this momentdreading the judgmental scoff that all men before him had given me.
I dont really understand all of it, he admitted.
Jennifer Li
But thats not a reason for me to put it down.
Especially when you enjoy it so much!
In an instant, his words lifted an invisible weight off my shoulders.
Stocksy
For all my life, I’ve suffered from a fear of being judged a girly girl."
It feels difficult to accept femininity when its been conflated with so many negative stereotypes all my life.
As a Chinese-American in a small white town, my environment informed me about the different types of girls.
Stocksy
So, I tried being a good girl to make them happy.
Other categories manifested as I grew older.
So out of bitterness and anger, I rejected beauty.
Stocksy
I would not be an empty bag.
Instead of fighting to occupy space through individuality, they offer a pre-set mould to conform to.
They make things uncomplicated, pleasantly mindless.
Stocksy
I performed my labels for longer than Im proud to say.
I played the quirky creative mostly for boyfriends and flings.
It judged me for running a very slow mile, while simultaneously judging me for even trying.
This invisible spector is an insidious creature, and it goes by the name of the internalized male gaze.
I remember thinking to myself, I have known this feeling for my entire life.
And despite how I was aware of this, I still felt an irresistible pressure to appease.
Why did I need to justify myself even when no one was around me?
Why was I even justifying myself at all?
It felt good to show my mother how to dust on highlighter and to laugh over lipsticks.
I felt close with her, and I was happy to share that feeling with her.
It would never be enough.
And in the end, the only approval I needed was my own.
Ive spent months working to accept my femininity, and I think Ive made good progress.
I savored every one of the forty minutes I spent getting ready.
Why cant a woman be both style and substance, a designer handbag full of books and knowledge?
Everyday, I reach for acceptance.
Youre allowed to care and like the way you look, and to change it if you dont.
