Note
This is about one author’s personal, anecdotal experience and should not substitute medical advice.
If you’re having health concerns of any kind, we urge you to speak to a healthcare professional.
It was April of 2020, and Chicagoand the rest of the countrywas in full lockdown.
We stayed outside, determined to be as Covid-compliant as possible.
But by the end of the block, we were already kissing.
Passing cars honked, either delighted or disgusted by our PDA.
And I felt… confused.
Unsplash / Design by Tiana Crispino
The Bad
My last relationship was hell.
After nearly a year of dating, I emerged from the breakup emotionally battered, bruised, and broken.
In retrospect, it was doomed from the start.
We didnt want the same things.
We had totally different expectations for the relationshipand for each other.
Unsplash / Design by Tiana Crispino
We complained, cried, and capitulated instead of communicating, and nothing was ever resolved.
Things were toxic with a capital T. We both needed to get out.
For weeks and months after, I struggled to remember what exactly had been so bad.
Had I really cried that often?
Had I really been that miserable?
Had we really been that poorly matched?
Worse still, I began to wonder if all our problems had one common denominator: me.
I went to therapy.
Eventually, I went to the hospital, and even spent a month in residential mental health treatment.
My thoughts turned into obsession.
I did a lot of hard, painful work in therapy.
When I got out of residential treatment, I began to lead something close to a normal life again.
When I swiped right on Maxton, two full years had passed since the end of my toxic relationship.
I was finally ready for a partnership that was loving, supportive, and peaceful.
So now that I had one, why did it feel soweird?
Unplash / Design by Tiana Crispino
The Good
My new partner wasnt the issue.
I knew that much right away.
I knew we were in it for the long haul.
However, for the first month of our relationship, I was outwardly blissfulbut panicked on the inside.
I couldnt even name the problem, because therewasnta problem.
Still, I couldnt shake a persistent sense of anxiety.
Maxton and I didnt fight.
When something came up, we talked about it and came to a conclusion or compromise.
We both wanted the same things, both short-term and long-term, and looked forward to pursuing them together.
We made each other laugh instead of cry.
We were supportive of each other, excited for each other, and truly acted as partners.
I wasnt used to this.
If this relationship was smooth sailing, my last one had been a turbulent storm.
All I had known was drama, panic, tears, and confusion.
And, for some reason, part of me still craved the chaos.
But Why?
Thanks to a lot of therapy, I began to untangle the web of my discomfort.
Part of the issue was that I was confusing drama for passion.
For all its flaws, my last relationship had burned hot and heavy.
The bad times were awful, but the good timesfew as they werewerereallygood.
Because Maxton and I had such a peaceful relationship, I worried that we didnt have passion.
What I didnt realize was that passion doesnt equal chaos.
I also began to realize that my last relationship had confirmed deep-seated fears about myself.
Ive always struggled with my self-esteem.
When our relationship began to crumble, it felt like a reflection on my worth as a person.
Because my opinion of myself was already low, I felt validated by my partner pulling away from me.
No wonder they didnt like me, I thought–I didnt even like myself.
Even though these thoughts were so negative, it felt weirdly comforting to be “proven right.”
Maxton made me feel different: cherished, valued, and, before long, truly loved.
But my low self-esteem still whispered that maybe I didnt deserve something this good.
While I was truly happy with Maxton, I still had one foot in the past.
Maybe this was too good.
Maybe I needed to run.
The Happy Ending
But I didnt.
It would have been so easy to slip back into old patterns.
My ex wasnt going to take me back, but I could have found another drama-filled relationship.
I could have surrendered.
This was the best relationship I had ever had, and I wasnt just going to let it go.
I told myself that what Ireallydeservedwhat everyone deservesis happiness, love, and peace.
I told myself that I had innate worth.
I wanted to be with Maxton.
So we moved across the country together, adopted a cat, and got engaged.
A few days ago, we were married in a small, intimate, breathtakingly perfect ceremony.
I didnt feel anxious or confused, or questioned my decision at all.
All I felt washappiness.
And I will never, ever doubt that this true, peaceful love is what everyone deserves to find.
