I have hope in the country that raised me.
Without really thinking about it, I chose America.
“Because I was born and raised here, this is my home,” I responded.
“You may feel that way inside,” she said.
“But youll always be Chinese to them.
It doesnt matter if you were born here and raised here.
You dont look American.
And theyll hate you for that.”
Ive been swallowing that pill ever since I was old enough to play with other children.
Unsplash/Design by Cristina Cianci
“Where are you from?”
my white classmates would all ask, even after knowing me for six years.
“What are you?”
“How do you swear in Chinese?”
“I cant tell you apart, all Asians look the same.”
“Go back to China.
Im always registered as Asian first, and then a woman.
American rarely ever makes the list.
I feel this sentiment more than ever in the midst of the pandemic, of course.
And without really saying it, my parents encouraged the idea of quarantining because it was safer.
The foreigners that cant be distinguished apart from each other, which makes them basically interchangeable.
The bat eaters, dog eaters, cat eatersit was all our fault that America was sick.
I dreaded when my boyfriend left home for something as simple as a run or groceries.
#StopAsianHate trended for a while, but it seems like it has died down.
Though Im saddened, Im not surprised.
Its not so different from any other online social media justice movement.
And Im not foolish enough to think its lost steam because theres less Asian hate.
There is Asian hate happening everywhere, every day.
Its happening in homes, where parents grumble about the “China Virus” in front of their children.
On the street, where strangers assault Asian American elders.
Looking back on my mothers question, I realize she was asking me to look into the abyss.
Because for all that America wants to reject me and my fellow Asian Americans, it cant.
WereAsian AmericansAmerica is literally in our name.
This is our home.
I could have lived a thousand different lives.
What if my parents hadnt immigrated to the U.S.?
What if my parents married other people?
I might have never been given the opportunity to grow my talents and gifts.
I am under no illusions that anti-Asian hate is going anywhere.
But neither am I.
While Ive seen a glimpse of Americas worst side, the beauty of its best side gives me hope.
Ive seen what America is capable of at their best.
